addiction

Billy?

her claim to fame was a well-known name

she’d fucked him as a courtesan

back in the time of Eminem

who don’t apologise

never explain

there’s no pain with

emotions ambered

in opiates

platinum cornsilk hair in plaits

china-blue eyes, red lips and latex

the perfect doll, with a past

the celluloid unease of her

tried and truly … too touché

while here, in reality

we hedge, we cheat

work our beat

never wanting to compete

sigh softly at our silly feats

and the men

invariably

fell

their tongues aslant

on heat

oh boys

why must you be

so utterly cheap

Photo by Harrison Kugler on Unsplash

Kestrel

I lived in addiction

on the brink

clawed myself back

to a safe haircut

and admin

until

I lost myself

like

ocean weed in the sea?

somewhere

in the

midst of

competing priorities

some days

it’s a grey fog

oh come on

it’s just a

job, job, job

Oh, I was soaring over

the headland once

a kestrel

redgold edged

against blue

now I’m

smashing against

the wrong side of right

searching for

whatthefuck knows who

 

Photo by Michael van Gorkum on Unsplash

 

gotta be – spoken

 

gotta be addicted somehow

to love or painkillers

to pain or lovekillers

substances substantial

stuff

need more of it

must declutter

tracking my macros

on the app

tells me

my hrv is wildly

ordinary

excessive exercise

(and podcasts)

the only way

to quiet

racing thoughts

thoughts of racing

and getting a pb

fuel anxiety

anxiety is fuel

to keep showing up

show up and keep to

the program

progress not perfection

perfection in constant

progress,

cultivate

aesthetic athletic

movement

maintain

motivation

love

and pain

an addict understands

the drive the desire

motivation, smitten

beholden to addiction, begotten

be gotta, be, gotta,

gotta be

 

Spoken version of this poem here:

https://on.soundcloud.com/grfyu

 

Photo by afiq fatah on Unsplash

The Water Tower

The water tower

perched high on the rise

floating world

of childhood holidays

muesli, orange juice

perfect vegemite toast in Penshurst

searching for

unfear

raw

remember

that girl was

always anxious in a way

now wonder if

my addict’s real

or just someone who

found self-harm easy

and crammed defeat

into flamboyance

a proud sham

now soiled

bored

with final flounces

doused in

sanitiser

nostrils flare

that witch wakes up

occurs to me

it’s moments of practicality

when it could be love

instead of flames

a soft patina

murrs pebble heart

like moss

or not

gosh am I lucky

to be so low

the one

who sees

how it goes

stupid mind that tracks and twists

yearning for

the years

of concrete towers

and hours

of unshed tears

 

Soundcloud recording: https://soundcloud.com/clairevetica/the-water-tower

Photo: Mihai Lazăr on Unsplash

past trauma

put lips to old pain

feel it flutter and still

poison drawn, paused

 

these untidy

memories and broken bits of games

horror of untethered high-wires

 

and never good enough

lifetime’s untruths, dissembling

nervous-held handbag

 

run tongue over protrusions

puffed proud tissue

give it wine, buy clothes

 

in the body aches

pleasurepunish chafes

adorned, adored

 

addictions rise from secret spots

manacles like friends

again, again, again

 

strip away snailsmooth streaks

knife scars, sear words

seal                    it up

momentary grace

 

 

It’s been more than a month since my last post, argh! I’ve been working 100% and the time just slips by. It’s a rather doomy poem to return with. Inspired by an excellent podcast featuring Russell Brand and Gabor Mate on addiction and past trauma. Short version here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQwP0XRBjq4 Long version (worth it!) here:  https://www.russellbrand.com/podcast/053-dr-gabor-mate-damaged-leaders-rule-addicted-world/ 

Photo: Ivan Bandura on Unsplash  https://unsplash.com/@unstable_affliction