missing my trips to the city
and how
the abandoned cokeworks
rotting away
by the train tracks
sent my thoughts
to that place
where things were so different
a secret world
I want to write about
immersed
in an industrial
wastelandscape
how can I capture this imagined
space
I don’t have those skills
or patience
scrolling in my bed
past my headache
reading about runner’s face
and Nick Cave
and grief
and grace
Photo by Darla Hueske on Unsplash
he remembers
when my hair was long
a decades-old flirtation
not personal
if it ever was
with him
I remember
that pale, waxy skin
like marble
the feel
of boy-men muscles
along limbs
as I struggle
to catch slurred words
in a noisy pub
even though I’m sober now
he’s invading my space
after 25 years
of long-forgotten…
suddenly
confronted with
being seen
in a way I haven’t been
for ages
is it good or ill
to bathe
in that male gaze
again
I am, am I?
a person now
or then
how to define
myself
hard-up against that
strange
living-memory thing
In another amusing
twist of fate
or destiny
or conditioning
I’ve bought the same
kitchen table
as my parents
to go with
matching knifes
and our bread tin
a set of sheets
so many things
it’s dirty on
the underside
with old wine
when I
thought I was
so clean
dust in
the bathroom
like mum’s
I guess it is
conditioning
sometimes think
I am the person
who doesn’t notice
other people
don’t get along
because they see me
lollop up
to their
relationship
like an enthusiastic
puppy
so they smile
pretend
because they
don’t want
to hurt my
feelings or
destroy
a loyal naivety
of course
might just be
overthinking
and
egotising
after all
would anyone
change their behaviour
for me?
Photo by Marliese Streefland on Unsplash
it came in the night
driving and thick
a vertical virtual
wall of precipi…
tation
–
wind rumples
through the eves
crunkling the cardboard
taped to my ceiling
“spielkiste”
from the last time
–
my spiders watch
from the opposite corner
of the room
their spindly legs
like stripped
upside down
umbrellas
–
dehumidifier hums
on 80%
carpets
still feel damp
–
the rains are here again
Photo by Anna Atkins on Unsplash
he asked
what supplements I was taking
don’t believe in them
I said
but
omega, magnesium, muti-B, C, zinc
we talked about
kim gordon, the prodigy,
nine inch nails, I
didn’t admit
I’d deliberately listened
to phil collins
that day
although it
arguably says
more about my health
-or otherwise
than a handful of
encapsulated vitamins
and whether
I’m a nose breather
at night
I remember when you lied
about how you knew me
said we were old friends
from school
but we’d only just met
really
introduced by him
when he moved in
had nothing in common
except
I liked cars
and you had one
we hadn’t come
separately
but driven in
that was my lie
so now we’re even
Soundcloud link: https://soundcloud.com/clairevetica/lies
Photo by Christina Langford-Miller on Unsplash
I live in spider city
land of grey webs
spindly legs
and glitter
moving delicately
staking territory
gossamer strands
mark
invisible lands
my octo-eyes
observe
the corners
of my fortress
don’t look up or
disturb me
tick, tick, tock
taking stock
my demesne
well-lit or gloomy
silvery womb
my children
quicken
near invisible
against
white walls
traverse
silken skyscrapers
and exquisite
sprung floors
Photo: Unsplash
trapped in
someone else’s dream again
backed into harness,
thrown the reins to them
taken the bit
willingly
stupid, she
try to do right
looks a lot like
acquiescence
from behind
the bridle
nice
don’t win fights
easy
to ride
the least-resistant
road
galloping by
questions
of true desire
do you, do you, do you
love me yet?
do you, do you
have you
fallen
no regrets
fucking on a mattress
on the floor
you had no furniture
at all
for months
lived in your car
do you
do you
have you
succumbed
you hobo?
staying up late
frantic words
words, words,
type, write, text
don’t speak
the words
afraid
of what happens
next
if
what?
do you
do you…
suppose
the love
still
spills
out
you love
without
saying it
a frenzy
of avoidance
type, write, text
when
my crazy meets
yours
you’re crazy
I’m
relentless
engulfed
obsessed
tie me
to your bed
play games
with our heads
do you, do you, do you
love me
yet
clairevetica 