sometimes think I’m going to die
I mean, of course
I am going to die
but that’s nebulous and
post-menopause
post-cancer, post-covid, post-relapse, post-deathofparents, post-divorce
post-pleasenothingawfulwiththekids
post-life
I’ll die
and
it’s ok
because
I will have done it all by then
right?
But sometimes
there’s a fizz in my chest
and I think
what if I’m dying now
I mean, of course
I am
Photo by engin akyurt on Unsplash
There’s a tangle of tears
trapped inside like
one of those wire balls
of fairy lights
quivering like a mouse
with stone-giant hands
how to hold the precious things
while the rest gets torn down
walking as ghosts
puppet-shadows loom behind
grotesque approximations
of life split in two rhymes
somewhere cracked open
like a passionfruit, purple rind
waxy, strange, so different to
the gold ooze inside
What I want to say is
there’s an ever-distanting, displaced
version of me
and I’m worried about her because
she’s going on her way
and I’m here trembling
like a rodent
who’s been caught in sharp light
not sure whether to run or die
start a new life
my brain held in
rock-giant hands like
a bowl of bright-smelling ooze
studded with shiny black seeds
and those softspider veins
while cave-light shadows
make small mockery
of insignificant me
with a snarl of tears
caught inside
like a barbed-wire bottle
of fairy lights
Today snow light
Lit television-blue emerging
Rising sun struggles awake
Wake up tired
Sleepy in the morning
Dawning, a latent creating
Writing these words
Letters on the page
Notes that bridge
Spanning and expanding
Stretching the mind
Thoughts get recorded
Posterity is fog
Misty but still
Quietly sifting through
Beyond. Pushing
Shoving. It’s a job
Work towards
Journey / the destination
Here
So this is a new poetic form I just invented (maybe?! please tell me if it already exists!) where each new line starts with a synonym of the word at the end of the previous line. We will call it a Claireform poem 🙂
Photo: I got arty with my camera and a cough drop (not mine!) this morning.
Days and drops of sunlight slip by
evasive
A fine mist of rain
hazy
Specks in my eye, grey smudges on white
it’s only
Time: tiny and huge and
Life: the same
Day 9’s prompt was: write a poem in which something big and something small come together.
trapped behind bars
and rooms with candelabras
watched over by stone lions
hemmed by iron pylons
you laugh a liquid chuckle
claim your sovereignty
in droplets
human greed encroaches
puts you in a bottle
still you slide away
you are me, you say
I’ll destroy your structures
by the molecule
as you build them
I erode
froth, ozone, fog and puddle
cage me if you wish
I’m the undertow
the overthrow
and more
in every pore
you know
the score
I wanted to use this line ‘the undertow and the overthrow’ since reading it in a poem by Aurora Phoenix, it seemed to fit here on a poem musing about Lake Geneva, how it’s so big and yet people seek to own it and/or make private property of it. How can we own nature? Water is part of us. And yet clean water is a privilege and a commodity. Not sure I entirely captured it (!) but need a few poems to break up the ‘cantons’ …
Photo: the fence of a chateau on Lake Geneva (snapped by me!)
My latest “Roxette” haircut. Maybe another NYR should be find a decent hairdresser!
A few short weeks ago I was riding high. I’d had a couple of poems published and a story up in a local newspaper (43 Habits You’ll Pick Up Living in Switzerland). I’d just completed a rough draft of my first novel and poems and even a few short stories were falling out of me all over the shop.
And now… I’m the kid after Christmas. It all just feels a bit jaded and useless. Where’s the confidence-bordering-on-arrogance? The joie de vivre for this writer’s life?
A few things I was looking forward to got derailed. After a few months of little to no drinking, I got a bit festive and the wine intake has crept up again. I kicked Facebook off my phone and I feel better, but it’s created space for loneliness — amazing how social media sort of causes but cures that. Which basically proves it’s yet another addiction. David Foster Wallace (yes, I am that wanker today!) gave what I think is the best description of addiction. Or, if you prefer, Homer Simpson – “Here’s to alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”
I think I’m tired, it’s been cold and dry and dark but without the joyous surprise of snow. I think a few months of sitting still at my computer tapping out the words finally caught up with me physically and I’m feeling heavy, unfit and yuk. I miss my friends and my family. Even those who are nearby. I think finishing things and achieving things, while wonderful, does result in a bit of comedown afterwards. It can be hard to keep the momentum going, especially at this time of year when things are winding up.
But anyway, it’s inching towards 2017 now and I’m trying to look forward. Play it forward.
Last year’s New Year’s resolution was to make some small, incremental changes that would hopefully make a big difference to my / our lives and I think I’ve achieved that. (Interesting to look back actually – in 2015 it was about surrendering to my fate and a year or so before that it was Don’t Rush In Where Angels Fear To Tread… something I may have to re-examine given my furious forward-pace of work recently. Ha!)
So I think 2017 is going to be all about consolidation and possibly realignment – shaving off the excess to concentrate on the main game. I’ve put in some amazing groundwork in 2016 and I want to build on that. This means not getting distracted by stuff, no matter how important it may seem. And this is going to include saying no to paid work if need be, which is slightly terrifying when I think about my bank balance! Hopefully it’s all to the greater good though and the fact I’ve made this commitment to this Writing for My Life thing will eventually start to pay off, literally.
So I’ve come up with some more ideas – why not. And because this has worked for me in the past, I’m going to make it into a statement of intent. With SMART goals even (yes, I’m that wanker too today)…
In 2017 I would like to
PLUS – I’ve also had an idea for this blog that I’d like to reclaim some of the travelogue stuff and so Himself, the kids and I are going to do a 26 Swiss Cantons in 52 Weeks challenge where we’ll visit all 26 cantons of Switzerland throughout 2017. I’ll aim to take at least one photo (if not a whole gallery) of each and do a writeup of something we saw or somewhere we went. We’re planning to go alphabetically but we’ll see how it pans out.
Phew – that should probably be enough for now. I’d better go get some rest before NYE ! Oh, and I’m hoping to do a year-in-review of this blog at some point in the next week or so as well… stay tuned. 🙂
clairevetica 